It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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