Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you win again, gameday.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
