I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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