Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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