Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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