I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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