I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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