So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
