my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
