i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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