you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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