I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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