I just made out with a guy for $7.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
