hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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