real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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