I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
