Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i dont even know how to be here
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
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