just tell him i said nine months
there's paper in my vomit.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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