you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
i believe in u and ur pee
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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