It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
