I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
