enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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