watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
