I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
