Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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