so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
