If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
