Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
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