I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
God I need to hump something, right now.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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