Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
