Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
