remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize