I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
