She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
