i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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