I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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