I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
