he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
