I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
