It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you would pick up someone in the library
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize