Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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