Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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