If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
