I'm pants shitting drunk right now
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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