oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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