My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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