i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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