I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
