You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
