I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
