why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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