if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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