First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
