every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
