Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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