woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
