He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize