I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
