Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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