cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
