I wannas sexs uuuuu
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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