There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
