were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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