Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
