I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize